Surrender to Self-Expression

 

Low-grade depression—the words a friend spoke on a call a few weeks ago. It never occurred to me that the word ‘depression’ could apply to me, but I knew to trust the reverberations in my body. It explained how I’ve been feeling for several weeks. 

After the focus of getting my book published in the first two months of the pandemic, I found myself listing a bit. The fatigue I felt was weighty, with low energy to be physically or mentally active. While I was able to function, I was not my usual snappy self, able to concentrate with sharp focus. And then a friend died by suicide at the start of July. I find myself not quite myself much of the time, simply feeling sad.  

“I find myself not quite myself much of the time.”

And so when I should be doing all the “right” things to promote and support the promotion of my book, Nest City, I find myself in a place of surrender instead, where I choose to allow the book to find its place in the world, and for me to find my place too, as events (or non-events!) unfold. 

I’m compelled to more deeply understand what I’ve known for years about Nest City, that it is a book on its own schedule.  In 2009 I thought it would be out in 2010. I long ago stopped creating schedules and expectations of when it would be complete because I learned that I could not force it. While I had a role in its creation, it was not going to be written, published and distributed by my willpower. The book has a power source of its own, and it still does. I’ve known this before about the book, but now I have to understand this now that it is “out”, not just an idea in my head. There’s a new ask of me.

“I find myself in a place of surrender.”

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve given myself the gift of retreat time in my wee trailer, off the back lane at my home. I’ve stopped berating myself about not taking it and myself out camping and I am working to accept my lack of energy to organize a camping trip. And in relaxing into the sacred space of my trailer—called Benny because the two-tone colour reminds me of a favourite meal, Eggs Benedict—I’ve relaxed a layer deeper into my fears.

Benny in the back lane

Benny in the back lane

Benny in the evening, with solar powered patio lights, a blanket (not needed) and a journal

Benny in the evening, with solar powered patio lights, a blanket (not needed) and a journal

One afternoon last week, Benny and I were pondering a long-standing fear I’ve had to step more fully into myself: self-promotion. Writing and sharing what I write is not in question; if I were to stop I would feel incomplete and miserable. HOW I share what I write is where the fear resides. In my mind, I’ve told myself for years that I’m promoting the work, not me, or that if I’m offering my real self, not a fake version, I feel ok. Yet I now understand that I do not feel at ease because of how I’m powering the promotion work from deep inside. I’m doing it with willpower. The problem is that willpower is not an infinite source of power; it depletes, and when it does I run out of energy. 

I no longer have energy to fund my willpower to make things happen. 

“Despite knowing that the book and its publication and distribution are on their own schedule and not funded by my willpower, I was using willpower. And now it is time to locate another source of energy. ”

Despite knowing that the book and its publication and distribution are on their own schedule and not funded by my willpower, I was using willpower. And now it’s time to locate another source of energy. 

Two ways of moving through the world

I notice two competing energies in me: one of surrender to self-expression and another about the calculation, management and defensive strategies that need to be anticipated alongside self-expression. These are two very different ways of moving through the world: the former runs on trust, the latter on fear. I no longer have energy to run my system on fear. 

“I no longer have the energy to run my system on fear. ”

There is something magical at work when a friend shares a link to a video and I then watch it just when I need it. It was Dr. Rollin McCraty from the HeartMath Institute describing the science of the relationship between the heart and the brain. Shifting the rhythms of the heart changes how our brain works: focus and clarity as well as emotions. 

Here’s what resonated with me about the HeartMath Institute’s research: our heart rate variability is different when we are in states of appreciation versus states of frustration and anxiety. Positive emotions affect us psychologically: “coherence is experienced as a calm, balanced, yet energized and responsive state that is conducive to everyday functioning and interaction, including the performance of tasks requiring mental acuity, focus, problem-solving, and decision-making, as well as physical activity and coordination.”* The language echoed in me as synonyms for trust and fear.

Source: HeartMath Institute

Source: HeartMath Institute

The HeartMath Institute graphs (above) sent a ripple of significance through my body. I’ve been exploring inner stability and how this is required for citizen and city agency, but HeartMath offers an other layer of understanding. It is not about the kind of inner stability that comes with relaxing, rather a ‘coherence’ that actively integrates the experience of my mind, my emotions and my body. It is an embodied inner stability.

The challenges I experience in having to promote myself and my work is from how I hold the idea of promotion in my body. To date it has been an intellectual brain thing (here’s what to do and how to go about doing it) powered by a palpable sense that I need to do it, ought to do it. But this source of power does not last long in me. When I dig a little deeper I realized that this power doesn’t last because it is funded by fear, not trust. 

I am afraid of fully expressing myself. I am afraid of people liking my work, or not liking my work. Both praise and criticism hold me back, but if I’m honest, it’s mostly the criticism I anticipate. So I hold back.

“I am afraid of people liking my work, or not liking my work... So I hold back.”

This question arose: What if I choose to move through the world in a different way? In many ways, I’ve already been doing this. I left my dream job to reach for something more meaningful. I’ve laid out clear expectations for the kind of work I will and will not do and I’ve been doing it for over a decade. I’ve committed myself to writing and growing and learning. I’ve allowed a marriage to end because it was no longer nourishing me. I’ve laid out the need for repair in relationships with some family members before I’ll participate in family activities. I wrote a book and published it. I created a new website about me and my work.

I am fully able express myself, but there’s a nuance to how I power that expression, and how I handle the reaction of others to my self-expression. 

I’m looking for a more sustainable way of powering how I move through the world. (I did say, after all, that I was powering up when I turned 50 earlier this year!) At this time, it feels like different energetic stance when it comes to how I express myself. I have a choice: surrender to my own self-expression or manage it, which means anticipating, calculating, defending what I express. 

Surrender_Or_Manage.jpg

The expression of myself is a very different energy than managing it. The surrender stance has a quality of allowing, in both me and other, while the latter has a quality of anticipating, to manage and handle the reaction of others and how their beliefs and behaviour affect me. 

I choose how I move through the world and I am learning that the choice feels quite different. It can mean feeling support to go where I’m going (surrender) or feeling hemmed in my expectations and reactions of others (manage).

Surrender_Or_Manage_2.jpg

The difference also feels like expansion, rather than contraction, within myself.

Surrender_Or_Manage_3.jpg

When I choose to anticipate and calculate how my self-expression fits in the world, or defend myself, I sabotage my own sovereignty—and I do this to myself. When I surrender to the work, the messages, the activities, etc that I am called to do I allow my own sovereignty.

“The gift of feeling down has lead to a clear recognition of two different ways to move through the world: fear and anxiety or trust and surrender. I choose the latter. ”

The gift of feeling down has lead to a clear recognition of two different ways to move through the world: fear and anxiety or trust and surrender. I choose the latter.

More accurately, I choose the practise the latter. It is not always easy to do.

REFLECTION:

  • How are you doing? Are you feeling pulled down?

  • How do you move through the world in ways that sustain you?

* A link to a HeartMath Institute page about the science:  https://www.heartmath.com/science/. (The video sent is not available for public consumption.)

If you are having suicidal thoughts:

For information about low-grade depression, or dysthymia:

 

 
Civic Practice, Practices and Protocols, WorkBeth SandersSurrender, Civic Practice, feedback, self, HeartMath, depression6 Comments